why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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