somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize