That reminds me...we need to get swords
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
