Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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