That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize