so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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