Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
