i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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