Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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