I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
