I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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