If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
