i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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