So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
