): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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