My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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