Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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