I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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