you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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