he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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