Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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