If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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