Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
