I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
