Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize