I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
