My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
