I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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