I just made out with a guy for $7.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
