Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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