wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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