I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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