She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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