Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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