I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize