Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
