they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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