It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
