even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
