why didn't you poke me back
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I believe in your delicious
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
