I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
