fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
