i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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