rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
