you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
