I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize