Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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