So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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