if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
our cab driver is having phone sex.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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