no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I could make wine with my vomit
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
