This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my sisters under your porch take her home
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
