One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
