I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize