I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
