Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
