Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
