My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
