what day is it and did you see me today?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
