Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
