he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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